GUYS

GUYS

GUYS

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS

Okay let me explain.

So I took a nap today and then ate candy for dinner so I couldn't fall asleep. I tried to be productive and rewrite my resume to get a part-time job, but then I got sidetracked by all the crap I had in my Word Documents folder.

Granted, 2/3rds of it is total trash.

HOWEVER

HOWEVER

I found this.

This.

Is a paper I wrote for my english class 2 1/2 years ago.

And it.

IS AMAZING.

Here, presented in all its glory, is my award-winning (or at least A-getting) paper, entitiled

New Friends and Bad Habits: Why I Stopped Smoking and Turned My Life Around

The first day I met him was on a Thursday. I was out smoking behind the abandoned house next door, using my precious time to get away from the troubles of everyday life. As I blew out the last few puffs from the cigarette, I heard a voice behind me. “Those can kill you, you know,” it said. I looked around. Sitting on a lawn chair in the next yard over was an old man, who I identified as Eugene Alwin. I stubbed out my cigarette on the wall, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. “Yeah, so what?” I replied. “They won’t kill me for another 40 years or so. I’m not worried.” He sighed, stood up, and walked up to the fence that divided us. “I used to think like that too,” he said, “Back when I was young. Now I wish I never did such stupid and reckless things.” It was this conversation that sparked a slowly growing friendship which changed my life.

It was fall of 2003 that I actually took up my harmful habit. I had been sitting on the school bleachers, observing the older students in football practice. I was so caught up with watching Vlad, our Russian immigrant and captain of the team, that I never noticed the person sliding up next to me. He cleared his throat, and I was pulled from my dreams. Sitting next to me was a boy I had never seen before. Assuming he was a sophomore, I said, “Are you going to try out for the football team?” He scoffed and held his square jaw high in the air. “Football? That’s for those stupid suckers who can’t get babes. They’re posers.” He held out his hand. “The name’s Alex, by the way.” “That’s nice,” I said to him, slowly scooting away. He chuckled. “Don’t worry; I’m not going to hit on you or anything. I already have a babe, but she’s not here. No, I wanted to talk to you because I can tell you’re not like those other people.”

I stared back at him. “How… how did you know?” He chuckled again. “Why else would you be up here on the bleachers by yourself, trying to convince yourself the oversized child is a total hottie?” I scowled at him. “Vlad is not an oversized child, and he is a hottie!” I declared indignantly. He shook his head. “I didn’t come up here to argue over the merits of some Russian wannabe, I came to befriend you.” “Really?” I said. “No one’s ever wanted to be my friend before.” He smiled, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it with his BMW lighter. I sat there, aghast. “What?” he said. “Do you actually believe all that crap about these you hear on TV? These things don’t kill you for at least 40 years. I’ve got nothing to worry about.” “Are you sure?” I asked. “Of course I’m sure,” he replied, handing me one. “Try it. They’re wonderful, I’m sure you’ll agree.”

“That’s a lovely story,” said Eugene dryly. “Am I supposed to feel bad for you? You took up smoking because some square-jawed jerk buttered you up?” We were in his dingy sitting room, having tea for the third time since he had seen me smoking behind the abandoned house. I stirred my drink. “No,” I said, “You’re supposed to understand that I was tricked. That horrible Alex tricked me into smoking!” Eugene shook his head. “It’s not Alex’s fault, so don’t you dare try to blame it on him. You made the choice to start smoking. It’s your fault.” I almost dropped my tea. “How can you say that?” I cried. He set down his spoon and sighed. “Here,” he said. “Let me give you an example. When I was a young boy, I was so jealous of my younger sister Irene that I decided to make up stuff to get myself noticed. That winter, I claimed that one of the icicles hanging from the side of the house started talking to me, and that it wanted me to make up some crazy pseudo religion. My parents were horrified and had me institutionalized. Now, whose fault was it that I got sent to the loony bin? Was it my sister’s because she was always in the spotlight? Was it my parents’ because they didn’t believe me? No, it was my own.”

I really took to heart what he said to me that day. I owned up to my mistakes, and began the long, hard trek to quitting smoking that very day. With Eugene’s help, guidance, and a large jar of pickle juice to diminish the cravings, we made it through. Not only did he teach me how to defeat my bad habits, but he also taught me an important lesson about owning up to my mistakes. Placing the blame on other people only creates more problems. Now, I take full responsibility for my actions, all thanks to that wonderful man I met on that Thursday afternoon.

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER AND WILL EVER WRITE

also I can't believe I actually wrote the entire (basic) story of Murdock the Icicle somewhere. It was pretty creepy.


(and to think I was going to post something normal about my winter break...)

I stayed  up until like 4am yesterday.

Terrible, terrible plan.

However, I do not regret my last post. It was pretty amazing.

I'd post my final exam for my online english class too, but I'm pretty sure that's somehow illegal. I had some great answers though.



Plan: I will go to bed early tonight.